I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
