i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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