I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Randomize
