her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
