My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
