worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
