Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
