The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
This is my gift to your gina
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
