I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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