why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Drunk is a universal language darling
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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