Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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