god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
