Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
even my farts smell like vagina
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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