Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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