You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
