omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
