i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
