the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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