You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
