am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
