I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
