I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
