So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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