I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
