she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
