Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
