I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
did i walk over a car last night?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
