I just cut my nipple shaving
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
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