i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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