i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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