even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
