Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
