i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
