sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
