Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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