im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
