You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
