you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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