I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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