i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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