chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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