Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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