i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
