cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
