I think i sorta joined a cult last night
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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