I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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