just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
