You were right. It hurts to walk today.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
