I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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