I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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